Can’t Take Them Anywhere

“Can we go to the playground? Can we go to the playground?”

“Look a turkey!”

“Can we go to the playground? Can we go to the playground?”

“Look a pig! …Sleeping.”

“Can we go to the playground? Can we go to the playground?”

“A sanctuary means they do wonderful work rescuing the animals from danger.”

“Can we go to the playground? Can we go to the playground?”

“Okay, Daddy. AND you can sit on the tractor.”

I can’t take them anywhere.

Hillside Animal Sanctuary. West Runton.

Awesome family day out. Five stars.


Martin 

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Eli versus Modern Art: Part 2

‘Desire and fracking meet on a mountainside.’


‘Past cultural traditions provide future insights.’


‘Grief and microbes generate new possibilities for housing.’



‘Hurdles, pens and feeding troughs are just some of the equipment deployed in farming industries including commerce, handling, petting and even international diplomacy.’

So basically you’re a sheep mate.


Not here mate. Not here.

#isthistomorrow @the_whitechapel.

Some words: Accessible. Thought provoking. Good baby change.


Martin x

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“So, yeah, there’s more crime but you can get a yam at 3 in the morning.”



The Turner Prize was all videos.

Normally we don’t watch the videos.

Eli did not like the videos.

He liked playing on “Daddy’s pone.”

Until he started inadvertently Skyping bath time pictures of himself.

I explained this was inappropriate.

This happened.


The Turner Prize?

Last time we got a selfie under a big bum for Instagram.

This was just videos.

3 Colin Stars.


Martin x

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“This, my son, is why we used to pay twice the rent and ride to work in cattle trucks… to see weird stuff in galleries.”

Elmgreen and Dragset @_thewhitechapel.

“Iiiiiiccee Creeeeaaam.”



They say: “The work conveys a criticality towards the austerity measures and rising gentrification that have lead to the decline of municipal spaces.”

We say: “For a second I thought that was a real baby.”





















Some words: capitalism, babies, swimming pools, gentrification, children, Louise Bourgeoise, guns, cash, misery, fear, Jesus.


5 Colin Stars.


Martin x

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“Look at the phone and say cheese,”


“In the olden days, Eli, people had these things called cameras.”

Olive Edis at Sheringham Museum.


They say: “The Museum’s 2018 Summer Exhibition – an in-depth view of the life of Olive Edis FRPS, Sheringham’s pioneering photographer. This exhibition highlights the person behind the camera: entrepreneur, adventurer, inventor, public speaker, music lover, at ease with people of every level in society and a caring family member. There are photographs, of course, but this exhibition is about much more.”

No less the ability to laugh at your child dressed up like from the olden times.

We say: “A lovely exhibition with wonderfully helpful staff which help it come to life.”

Say cheese Eli.


Martin x

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“No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.”
“Its conceptual, Eli. You need to give it a bit of time.”
Toddlers, eh?
‘H2O Art of Wet’ at The Undercroft, Norwich.


“Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down. Down.”
Its under the market square. Look.

“Out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out.”
“I can’t deal with conceptual art and you running amok.”


Some words: water, plastic, water, plastic, horny face, bucket, spade, love, hate, indifference, jelly, puddles, sea, splash, water.”
Some words from a two year old. “Wet. Wet. Wet. Wet. Wet. Wet. Wet. Wet. Wet. Wet.”

“I know you are but I can’t change you here.”

5 Stars.


Martin xx

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SOMEONE needs to provide a comprehensive weekly directory of North Norfolk arts.

And it may as well be me.

A white staffy from Essex.

Well, maybe not weekly.

Im busy.


First up we travelled (walked) to Sheringham Museum to see ‘Drift’ by Jeanette Bolton-Martin.

It wasn’t photos on paper!

It was photos on silk!

They say: “Original cyanotypes created by Jeanette Bolton Martin, have been digitally reproduced on silk organza for the installation. The audience interacting, by allowing their walking around the space to create movement in the material. Throughout the duration of the exhibition, the silk edges of the artworks will begin to fray, simulating coastal erosion. At the end of the exhibition, the debris of frayed threads will be drifted out to sea and retrieved again.”

We say: It was really lovely looking out the tower of the museum, over Sheringham, through the beautiful, delicate works themselves representing the views.


Barely a day later we trotted (got the train) to Cromer. If you want to see an exhibition of wonderful art works by North Norfolk artists and you’ve gone to Cromer you’ve gone to the right place.

The RNLI Henry Blogg Museum.

One of the best bits was the models of typical seaside buildings made out of driftwood found on the beach.

Its kind of the same thing as the Sheringham thing.

I think they call it a synchronicity of content and form.

See – I can do arts – subscribe now!


Martin xx

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“Dad! Dad! Im at this exhibition right. Yeah, Norwich. It says…”

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“Yeah, yeah. I know, but apparently… guess what? It didn’t used to be that way! Yeah and people were, like, okay and everything!”

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“It’s called Visible Girls Revisited. At the Norwich Arts Centre. In 1981 a lady called Anita Corbin took wonderful photos of women from counter cultures… Yes I know those are big words for a 1 year old. She then recently tried to track them down on Facebook and things. No, no the photos were unedited. And they didn’t have social media then.”

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“Yeah, alot of that I didn’t get… but I think we’re meant to think about things.”

5 Eli Stars.

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Eat a chuffing piece of shortbread and shhhhh!

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“The government announced in October that it will no longer be capping housing benefit for supported housing. This is a big win for Rethink Mental Illness.”

It was an exhibition at The Forum in Norwich. All the art was by people who had suffered from mental health difficulties.

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Eli did stop yelling randomly to say he liked the “dog.” Because he can say it.
Alyssa liked the fox.
Colin yelled out randomly to say he liked this one:

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We all loved the story.

“Thanks to thousands of campaigners campaigning with us on PIP the government have announced that they will not be challenging a court ruling from December which stated that last year’s changes to PIP were ‘blatantly discriminatory’ towards people with mental illness.”

Battles fought and won. Battles ongoing.


Martin x

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I can imagine, as Rembrandt was sitting at his easel in the 17th century… he was thinking:
“One day they’ll reproduce this scene in a provincial castle-come-gallery in 21st Century England so people can dress their tired/uncooperative babies up as me to share on their computers.”
And some of their dads will enjoy it too.

Sometimes things for the last hour are only 2 pounds or something coz you don’t get long. 

Long enough with a screaming baby.

5 Colin Stars,


Martin xx

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