I went to a zoo.
I was torn in two.

I had to write a haiku.

You see animals
You don’t see in the wild.
Here you see their tears.

Then I realised perhaps it’s not feasible to deal with such a complex issue in so few syllables.

Oh well. Too late.


Martin x

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“We possess an extraordinary instrument for reproduction. But photography is much more than that.” #Maholy-Nagy


You need to make the most of blogs about pictures that don’t look like what they’re meant to be because soon I’ll be reviewing beaches and tea houses in the sticks.


Some words: black, white, men, women, masks, poverty, Elton John, shadows, eyes, tears, marbles, eye cubes, rice.

It’s that kind of staffy insight you’re going to miss.


Martin x

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“Content which masquerades as meaningful when it is in fact facsimile.”

Too right. Large parts of this blog are cut and paste.

“The meaning is an object with which to toil. But what does it mean?”


I’ve no idea but that was just the little exhibition by the cafe. #lukemccreadie. Zabludowicz Collection.

When I went into the main bit it looked like this…

#donnahuanca #scarcymbals

But you can’t just say… “I’ve seen a picture on Martin’s blog, that’s fine, I don’t need to go.”
Because it’s wonderfully sensory you see with a rubbery smell, a sinister humming and periodic naked performers.

5 Colin Stars,


Martin x


“The world is but a great bedlam where those that are more mad lock up those who are less.”

‘Beyond Bedlam’ @explorewellcome.

All the little audio commentary things been taken you see so we actually had to read stuff.


There was a lot of old books but also a really good bit where patients had designed their ideal place to be…

I don’t think you were meant to take photos but still go even though you’ve looked at my illuminating blog.

It’s free.

4 Colin Stars.


Martin x

“The years must have seemed endless.”

“Most left no trace beyond their medical records.”

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“An average person loses 200000 bits and bobs in their lifetime.”

Should be more careful.

Some words: tickets, coins, combs, playing cards, clips, pens, money, oysters, grandparents.

They build a history out of these things don’t they.

This one was Rainham Hall. It is one of those merchant houses from the olden times.

You know the ones.

This one was good.


Imagine if you could only take 10 things somewhere.
Mummy and daddy said:

Below Eli but above each other.

Il take that.

5 Colin Stars.

It was very good.


Martin x

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“Reading, embroidering, entertaining guests or strolling in the private garden.”

Wasn’t a bad life.


@EastburyManor House, Barking. @nationaltrust.


What’s this?

“No respectable Tudor lady wore knickers not even the queen.”


I was wondering about urine?

“Washerwoman used it as a stain remover.
Cloth makers used it to clean there wool.
Dyers added it to their coloured dyes to stop the colours from washing out.”

I use it to mark my territory.

The rooms were good when they had stuff in.

Particularly enjoyed the “chamber above the buttery.”

3 Colin Stars,


Martin x

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“You’re going to love this.”
“I love this.”

Except she didn’t really love it.
She virtually loved it.
Or really loved the virtual.


What’s this staffy blithering on about?
Art, innit.
#Dreamkubrick @somersethouse.
There was a virtual reality bit to answer your question.
I think it was from ‘2001-A Space Odyssey’ but I could find a guidebook.


Still it was very, very good…
Look at this!

And this!

Profound too, innit.


5 Colin Stars.
£12.50 but you don’t at all mind.


Martin X

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Martin wasn’t in the mood for Georgia O’Keeffe @tate modern (“all them bloomin flowers”) so Eli went to his first art exhibition, with his mummy and daddy, and blogged.


I liked it when my daddy took me out the pram and put me over his shoulder.

I like moving around. It keeps me calm.

Like daddy.

I like the patterns and the colours.

Like daddy.

I liked looking at the beautiful visions.

Such as my mummy.


Eli x

PS I’m very advanced and want to point out to Martin it should read ‘The Dog THAT Blogs.’

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This afternoon I…

Found “New ways of seeing.”

Experienced “New truths.”

Witnessed “New forms of modern beauty.”

All a bit much for a dank Wednesday.

#paintingwithlight @tate


Turns out painting and photography are linked.

Copying, correcting, challenging and complementing.

I can do that.



“Truth in every particular ought to be the aim of the artist.”

Okay, tomorrow.

“Rejecting nothing, selecting nothing.”

Iv other things to do.

This was the best one…

Arthur Hacker ‘A Wet Night at Piccadilly Circus.’

But I mucked around with it.

4 Colin Stars,


Martin X

PS the other great thing was the shop…

Bought Eli his 1st proper ted…

The cashier joked that she feels cruel putting them in bags because it might remind them of the days when they were vacuum packed…….

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Baby sometimes disturbs my afternoon dognaps (he’s a lot more demanding than me) so I sashayed over to @tate modern for #monahatoum.

“I want the work in the first instance to have a strong formal presence and through the physical experience to activate a psychological and emotional response.”

Don’t we all, love.

There was a cheese grater turned into a bed which I thought was a clever idea.

Reminded me a lot of the old nail iron of Man Ray.

“A world characterised by conflicts and contradictions.”

You’re telling me.

But Staffies are lovers not fighters.

5 Colin Stars.

I really liked it.


Martin x

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